As our children grow and become their own individuals in their own right, they go through different phases, and some can feel more challenging than others. This is especially true for when our daughters hit the pre-teen age and start to formulate a stronger separate identity outside of the family unit. It’s a time where girls are starting to explore their own social independence, and that comes with its own unique set of changes.  

This phase can be confusing and even difficult for parents who want to protect their little girls, understand what they are going through, and also give them the space they need to grow and establish themselves. Our children might start to act differently towards us and seem to focus more on their social groups, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need us. In fact, during this phase they need more of our support and our presence. A strong father-daughter relationship makes a very positive influence on your daughter’s life not just in her youth, but also when she becomes an adult. The foundation of that bond is planted in those pre-teen years.  

It’s important to remember that while teenagers tend to put up a very strong front, this is the age where they are also the most vulnerable and confused. The psychology of teenagers is very different to what they are like as young children. This is mainly due to the fact that they are at the stage in their development where fitting in becomes more important, meaning they feel more social pressure to look, be and act a certain way. As dads this is where we can become supportive pillars that help them navigate this time of great change and even upheaval. But how do we do that and navigate this new reality? Here are some tips for connecting with your pre-teen and/or teenage daughter.

Understand Why Certain Things Matter to Them

For teenage girls, the changes they’re going through and the social pressure they face may seem quite trivial to their parents, but from their perspective, they are very real and take up most of their focus. One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is to tell them to “get over it” or that their angst isn’t a big deal. To them, it’s a huge deal and the moment we dismiss the issue, the harder it becomes for them to ever want to open up to us again. We need to provide a safe space for them to share their struggles.

Take Interest

Your pre-teen or teenage daughter is going to take interest in new things and often they keep it from us because they think we wouldn’t understand. Of course the activities teenagers take interest in might seem frivolous to us, but we can create great opportunities for bonding if we made an effort, and we won’t feel so out of the loop. For many fathers, fashion isn’t something they really pay attention to, but your daughter is likely to become more interested in expressing her fashion and style. Why not learn more about her favorite places to shop or ask her about her style choices and why she likes a specific color, style or who her celebrity style icon is? Give her the space to feel like she can be and express herself. The styles of teen and tween clothing change often but you will be a winner in her eyes by showing that you care.  

How to Talk to Your Teenage Daughter

The first step to effectively communicating with your daughter is paying attention and observing some of the things they say even as jokes. Jokes can illuminate some of the areas in their life they are struggling with. Teenagers also struggle to be open and honest because they think they will get in trouble. Don’t make them feel like the outcome of opening up is going to be a punishment because they will just choose to keep things to themselves. This is a very sensitive time for them so being a place where they can be open and honest can make it less of a hard time.

Dealing With Changes

As teenagers start to explore their independence, they might start experimenting with how they dress. Very often, these style choices might be quite different from how we’re used to them dressing, but this attempt at rebellion is something we have to handle carefully. For girls the pre-teen and teenage years are when they want to start formulating their own fashion identity, often by copying what’s popular and what their own friends are wearing. Instead of judging them for it, it’s important that we put ourselves in their shoes and try to see the world from their perspective.

Look For Signs of Deeper Problems

Girls experience a lot of change as they grow, but not all of it is healthy zone, and there are still signs to look for in case something more serious is happening. For example, they might be getting bullied or harassed at school, they might feel pressure to be an extreme weight, or they might be depressed. This is where we would look for extreme changes in behavior and take necessary steps to help.

Being a dad to a teenage girl can be quite tough, and it can often feel like you have no common ground with your daughter. What matters is making an effort and continuing to be a support. Even though our kids want to distance themselves and become more focused on their friend groups, they need to know that we love, treasure, support and accept them. Our love and acceptance is what will give them the confidence to navigate their changing world.