Most people view infertility as a crisis for individuals and couples. However, the trauma that often comes with infertility can affect entire families. Of course, some will use this time to support you and grow closer together. However, between miscarriages and failed medical treatments, the predicament can strain and damage some relationships, as is often the case with toxic relatives.  

Whether your family has a history of substance abuse, violence, or simply dealing with problems poorly, their behavior can make your fertility journey even more challenging. Still, there are a few ways to handle these relatives gracefully and keep your spouse and your future together priority number one.

1. Explain the Situation

Infertility is a rather common problem. Roughly 35% of couples struggle to conceive and 12% of women have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to full term. Yet, many people are completely unaware of how commonplace infertility truly is. Thus, your family might think of you as a special case or get upset at you or your spouse when a medical condition or some other uncontrollable complication is really to blame. 

While these reactions are completely toxic, unsupportive and inappropriate, you may have to explain the situation a bit further before they can respond with more sensitivity. Remember to be straightforward and only divulge details you feel comfortable sharing. Work out a message with your spouse, break the news together and make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to updating family members during your fertility journey.

2. Share Your Feelings

Sharing the facts is one thing. Sharing your feelings is another. Of course, if your family hasn’t responded well thus far, you’d be hard-pressed to show them your vulnerable side. However, if you think doing so might help them understand you and your spouse better, communicating your thoughts and feelings might be worthwhile. 

Use the same approach when confronting toxic family members. How did their hurtful words make you feel? Use “I feel “statements to avoid sounding accusatory and clearly communicate how their actions affect you and your spouse. These open conversations may help them understand your plight on a more personal level and eventually mend broken relationships.

3. Ask for Support

It sounds simple, but asking your relatives for support may be the best way to handle toxic family members because it gives them an ultimatum. For instance, you might allow them to receive updates and remain a part of your lives if they support you — if not in word, then in deed.

Suggest ways they might help, too. Maybe they can meet up for a yoga class once a month to support your attempt to lower stress and anxiety levels. Or maybe they can gift you an acupressure mat, bath salts or a heating pad to alleviate pain from procedures or pregnancy when you do finally conceive. Telling them how to help will discourage them from offering unsolicited advice, pity texts and other unwanted “help.”

4. Learn to Say No

Of course, some family members will still feel inclined to put in their two cents. But that doesn’t mean you have to sit there and silently endure their insensitive comments. Say no to their harsh words and walk away from the conversation. 

Along the same vein, relatives who have a history of substance abuse may try to approach you for help. Maybe they want money, a place to stay or emotional support. Regardless, you probably can’t provide that kind of assistance when you’re dealing with struggles of your own. In this case, it’s important to say no and focus on your own financial, emotional and physical stability instead. 

5. Limit Communication

Saying no is an excellent way to set healthy boundaries and shut down negative conversations. However, if every interaction leaves you feeling depressed, anxious or defeated, it’s time to create stricter boundaries by limiting communication.  

For example, if your mother is especially condescending after you’ve confronted her multiple times, you might limit the conversation to text so you have time to calmly respond to — or ignore — her messages. Alternatively, you could only agree to speak with her when both you and your spouse are present. This way you have another person on your side if the conversation starts to go south.

6. Make New Connections

At the end of the day, your fertility journey is about you and your spouse, not your toxic relatives. So, if they can’t support you or at least reign in the criticism, you have every right to cut them out of your life. As difficult as the decision may be, protecting your mental and physical health should be your main priority, especially since stress plays such a critical role in your journey to having a baby. 

Once you inform your family members of your decision, focus on filling that void with friends. Maybe you can join a local support group for women trying to conceive or schedule an appointment with a therapist for individualized support. Hanging out with other couples can also help you take your mind off of things and help you focus on having some fun while you’re waiting to put that bun in the oven.

Building a Better Future

Regardless of whether your future includes kids, it’s important to build a better future for your little family. If that means cutting toxic relatives out of your life or putting your relationship on hold, so be it. You can always revisit and reevaluate later. For now, trust your gut and just focus on you.