Understanding grief, its signs, and what you can do to help your child are all incredibly important for parenting. Before we dive into the signs of grief and how you can assist your children through it, it’s useful to take a look at grief itself. 

Grief is a reaction to a lot of things. When most of us think of it, we think of someone passing away, whether it be a friend, a family member, or even a pet. More broadly, though, grief is a reaction to loss - loss of normalcy, loss of stability, loss of something important. Divorce, moving, world-altering pandemics - all of these things can lead to grief. 

It’s also important to remember that everyone experiences grief differently. We’ll talk about that more when we look at the signs of grief, but know that there is no right or wrong way. You know your kids - if you’re not sure, talk to them, and trust your instincts. Being a dad isn’t easy. Have faith in yourself - you’ve got this.

 

The Signs of Grief

One of the most important things to keep in mind when you’re looking for the signs of grief is that they can be heavily influenced by age. There are kinds of losses (like death and divorce) that young children may not have the framework to understand - that said, they may still feel and know that something is different, even if they don’t know quite what it is. 

This may go without saying, but you should also keep in mind that even if your child isn’t exhibiting any outward signs of grief, they may still be experiencing it. You should look for signs of grief when your child has experienced loss, even if the signs aren’t immediately obvious. 

We’re going to break down the signs of grief by age - in the next section, we’ll look at how to help your child cope.

 

0-2 (Infants)

Infants will have little to no understanding of loss in an intellectual sense, but they can still experience it keenly, especially when it’s the loss of a caregiver. Children of this age will often cry more, exhibit changes in their sleep cycles and eating routines, and be affected by the grief and sadness of those around them.

 

3-6 (Pre-school)

Children this age are able to understand loss, but they have a tendency to misattribute it, and think that they caused the loss. Kids at this age are starting to become much more self-aware, and this grief response is one of the sad consequences of that development. They might think their loss is a result of their behavior, and that if they change their behavior, that the loss will be reversed. 

That can lead to some hard conversations. Your child might think the loss happened because they were bad, and that if they’re good, the person/thing will come back.  

They may not have a full understanding of loss, and think the loss will be reversed on its own. They might also start to lash out - moodiness, general irritability, regression (going back to bed-wetting or other behaviors they had when they were younger) and changes in habits are all common.

 

7-12 (Elementary School)

At this age, children can often understand what loss is, and, more importantly, that they’re not the direct cause of loss. One of the sad exceptions to this is divorce, where children might need to be assured that they are not the cause of the divorce (more on that in the How to Help section).  

Again, you might see a wide range of abnormal behaviors, from changes to eating and sleeping patterns to emotional outbursts. Kids this age might have the capacity to understand loss, but expressing emotions can still be difficult for them. 

Some of the more common signs of grief are changes in school performance/attendance, insecurity, clinginess, detachment, and withdrawal from friends and family. 

They’re also old enough to be quite curious, and some kids might ask you questions about the details of the loss - the why and how. That’s a normal stage in some people’s grieving process.

 

13-18 (Teenagers)

Teenagers have an adult understanding of loss, but not necessarily an adult understanding of how to cope with it. They may experience many of the signs listed for elementary school kids, becoming moody and detached. They may also try to numb their grief through the use of drugs or alcohol - you should be on the alert for impairment as a coping mechanism.

 

How To Help

You’ve looked for the signs of grief, and you’ve found them. Now what do you do? 

The answer depends a lot on your child, and how they’re handling grief. You know them best, of course, and a lot of this is based on feel. There are still a few tips we can give you, though. 

One of the most important things you can do is talk about your grief. Kids will sometimes feel like it’s wrong for them to feel the things they’re feeling, but if you talk with them about the loss, and open up about your feelings, it can encourage them to open up about theirs. Do this at a time when your emotions aren’t out of control, though - an emotional outburst might scare your child. Crying is okay, and even important, if that’s what you’re feeling. 

Another important thing to do is talk to your child about loss. Make sure your child understands that it’s not their fault. From there, answer any questions they might have. When you don’t have the answer, tell them that you don’t. Loss is difficult, and not always easy to explain. It’s an uncertain time - knowing that, as their dad, you’re navigating the uncertainty, can help them come to terms with their own feelings of uneasiness. 

You’ll also want to talk to them about how grief is an ever-changing emotion. How it’s okay to feel sad one day, and happy the next. How you might feel sad months later, and not understand it, or you might have feelings that you can’t express. How grief is different for everyone, and that you’ll always be there for them, no matter what they’re feeling. 

Of course, if things start to get way out of hand, and your child has been depressed for months, you might want to find a grief counselor or child psychologist to help.

Authors bio:

Adrian Martinez is the Content Coordinator at Korban Funeral Chapel, a funeral home that helps families create beautiful memorials and funerals for their deceased loved ones. She is keenly interested in writing about alternative medicine, senior care, and health-related topics.