Children are often comforted by discussing things that frighten them. When they are given direction and know how to react to scary situations, it can make them feel less afraid. Fire and tornado drills at school guide kids on what to do when disaster strikes. School shootings are another kind of rare and tragic disaster that kids might face. 

Our job as parents is to discuss these situations to ensure our kids feel safe and know how to handle themselves in emergencies. Here are some thoughtful ways to approach these discussions. 

Answer Their Questions

Kids always have questions. They may not ask their questions for fear of judgment, ridicule or other reasons, especially in their tweens. Encourage your tween to ask away, so they can be informed and make good decisions. Answer their questions to the best of your ability. It’s OK not to have all the answers–look them up and learn together if you don’t know. 

Knowing how to start tough conversations with your teen can be challenging. Allow their questions to guide your conversation and let it flow naturally. You can ask follow-up questions to correct their inaccuracies and explain what they don’t understand. The media, peers, and other sources can give your tween inadequate information or they might misinterpret it, and it’s your responsibility to dissect that information and give them the answers they need. 

Make Them Feel Safe

The goal is to make your child feel as safe and secure as possible. Hearing about other children their age experiencing school shootings or experiencing them for themselves is terrifying and can lead to overwhelming fear and anxiety. Your tween could also experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from witnessing a school shooting. 

PTSD is an acute stress disorder with symptoms lasting longer than a month after a traumatic event. Your tween could experience frequent nightmares, sleeping problems and stress that causes them to want to isolate themselves. You want to give your tween a sense of normalcy by answering their questions and addressing their fears. Returning to routines as quickly as possible provides structure and stability to help them feel safe.  

Tweens can gain a sense of security by knowing what actions to take if something like this happens. You can also reassure them by discussing safety measures in place to protect them, like attack-resistant doors in their school. Explain how these doors can keep them safe by denying access and deterring attacks. Attack-resistant doors are also fire-rated for 20-90 minutes based on the school’s regulations. Remind them to follow school guidelines and report anything that seems suspicious. 

Validate Their Feelings

Tweens are already experiencing a flood of emotions as they navigate puberty, their peers and more challenging schoolwork. Hearing about or experiencing a tragedy can cause their world to spin off its axis. Their feelings might overwhelm them, and they can find it difficult to express or understand their emotions. Your instincts might want you to protect your children from harsh realities, but you won’t be doing them any favors. 

Shielding them from the truth won’t protect them, especially in an emergency. Recognize how they feel and reassure them that whatever they think is entirely OK and they’re not alone. Fear and uncertainty are expected throughout life—they don’t have to face it alone. Hold their hand every step of the way and ensure your tween knows that no matter what they’re going through, it will be OK. 

Help Them Process 

Grief can look different for everyone, but it doesn’t discriminate. Kids can feel things deeper than adults can—when those emotions aren’t processed or dealt with, they can manifest in myriad ways. Your child may experience trouble sleeping and anxiety that stems from fear. Tweens can find themselves empathizing with victims, which can cause a range of emotions. 

Provide healthy ways to cope for your tween, like enlisting friends and family to comfort and support them. Offer outlets for them to express themselves, like journaling prompts, exercise classes or arts and crafts to help them process their emotions. Volunteering somewhere can offer an opportunity to gently begin socializing after a traumatic event can offer a sense of purpose and decrease feelings of helplessness your tween might experience. 

Encourage therapy and interaction with others who may be experiencing the same things. Support is helpful for tweens trying to make sense of their grief or other overwhelming emotions. A strong sense of community can help your tween feel safe and supported which can help them process their emotions in healthy ways. Encourage them to hang out with their friends and find their new sense of normal to empower them to process and conquer their fears.

Discussing School Shootings with Tweens 

These difficult conversations can be challenging to navigate with your child at any age, especially with tweens. Tweens are often in the rebellious stage and find it difficult to express themselves without dangerous threats in their lives. Danger is everywhere and it’s unpredictable and out of our control. Having these discussions can empower your tween and help them feel in control of their surroundings and know how to cope and stay safe.