By Jim McKenzie

I just got off a coaching call, and the conversation I had with this guy really got me thinking. I asked him, "So, what brings us here today? What's going on?" And what he said struck a chord—something I bet a lot of you might relate to.

He told me that his spouse finally hit their breaking point. She said, "Enough is enough. I’m done with hearing about how things are going to change but never actually seeing any real change."

Sound familiar?

It’s a story I hear a lot. You know there’s trouble in your marriage—you can feel it. Maybe you’ve even tried to fix things before. You’ve probably promised yourself (and your spouse) that you’d make changes, that things would be different this time. But here’s the truth: Most people don’t start searching for marriage advice the first time something goes wrong.

We all try to handle it on our own, using the same old tools we’ve always relied on. And when those don’t work? Well, we just keep going around in circles, making the same promises, and wondering why nothing changes.

Why Do Promises Fail?

Let’s get real for a second—change is hard. We all know that. But here’s what we often miss: Life is constantly changing, whether we like it or not. Relationships evolve. And sometimes, one or both people in a marriage just don’t adapt fast enough or in the right ways. You end up in a pattern where you keep telling yourself, “This time, it’ll be different,” but nothing really changes.

Think back to your wedding vows. Remember those? The promises you made to stick together through thick and thin, in good times and bad? Those vows are the foundation of your marriage. They’re meant to be a vessel that holds your relationship together, even when things get tough. But life keeps moving, and with it, the demands on your relationship change, too.

Maybe you’ve got kids now. Maybe your career has taken off, or maybe you’re struggling financially. Whatever the case, the relationship you had when you first got married isn’t necessarily the relationship you need now. And that’s where many couples get stuck—they don’t realize they need to evolve with the changes life throws at them.

Stop Talking About Change and Start Being the Change

So, what do you do when you’ve made all these promises to change, but your spouse doesn’t believe you anymore? First, stop talking about the changes you’re going to make. Just stop. It’s time to start being the change instead.

I’m not saying change is easy—it’s not. And you might need some new tools to get there. But the key is to actually make those changes, not just promise them. It’s like deciding to start a new career. You wouldn’t expect to succeed without learning some new skills or getting the right training, right? The same goes for your marriage. You can’t just wing it and hope everything falls into place.

But here’s the thing: Real change is deep, not just surface-level. It’s not about putting on a show for your spouse to convince them you’ve changed. It’s about transforming from the inside out. So, stop making empty promises and start making real changes.

Embrace the “We” Mentality

Another big thing to focus on is shifting from “me” to “we.” You’re in this together, right? It’s about being a team, and that’s something unique to marriage. But it’s not something that just happens on its own—you’ve got to work at it.

And here’s something else to consider: Are you growing as an individual? We all have parts of our personalities that are just… us. But sometimes, those traits can get in our way. I’ve seen people who are stubborn (and hey, I’m one of them!) struggle because they’re unwilling to adapt. But that same stubbornness can also be grit—it’s all about how you use it. The question is, how can you make those core parts of you work for you, instead of against you?

Consistency Is Key

So, you’ve stopped making empty promises, and you’ve started making real changes. Great! But here’s the final piece: Consistency.

If you’re walking on eggshells around your spouse, trying to convince them you’ve changed, that’s a red flag. Real change is consistent and deep. It’s not about faking it until you make it; it’s about truly transforming. People can tell when someone’s just going through the motions versus when they’ve genuinely changed. And guess what? Your spouse can definitely tell the difference too.

Where Do You Go From Here?

Okay, so let’s break it down:

1. Stop talking about the changes you’re going to make. Just make them.

2. Focus on real transformation. Figure out what’s holding you back and work on it—whether it’s changing a bad habit or turning a stubborn streak into something positive.

3. Be consistent. Prove over time that the changes you’ve made are real.

Look, this stuff isn’t easy. And you might need some guidance along the way. That’s where having a framework or some kind of system can help. Whether it’s through books, videos, or programs, getting the right tools and direction can make a huge difference.

If you’re looking for help, check out Relationships ReBuilt.com. It’s designed to give you the tools you need to turn your marriage into something both you and your spouse can be proud of. Or better still, just take the plunge and have a deep dive into the problems -book a free confidential discovery call, to learn how we help people like you to rebuild and grow stronger relationships.

And remember, you’re not alone in this. Marriage is tough, but it’s also worth fighting for. So, what’s your next step? How are you going to start making real changes today?