8 Practical Ways New Dad Can Make A Positive Influence In The Home
By Mo Mulla
Many dads struggle with the first few weeks, months and even years of being a dad. It is a strange and very compelling experience that is unique to each dad. Even If you’ve geared yourself up for months before baby is due, have gone above and beyond to read all the baby books and are even willing to give up your sleep every night to help out, it can still be a struggle.
This article is to help you transition from a husband /partner to a fully fledged dad and beyond. Every family dynamic is unique but there are a few important things every new dad can do to facilitate the process, get involved and provide that all important break for new mum.
All Mums and Dads have Parental Questions, but it’s the proactive and practical attitude that will always prevail.
Here are the 8 Practical Ways A New Dad Can Do To Make A Positive Influence In The Home
1. Mindset Shift (You are no longer number 1)
This one seems obvious but it is actually one of the most important to get to terms with. If you’ve been with your partner for a few years then you’ll be used to certain way things go. There may be a code of relationship rules that, although unspoken, lead the way in how your relationship operates.
For example, if you are the laid back one in the relationship and have most household duties done for you by your partner then as new baby arrives you may get an abrupt reminder of who is the most important person in the new family dynamic.
If you find yourself feeling confused by the sudden and prolonged diversion of attention then you may be in for a shock. Your baby is the most important person in your family and for the foreseeable future, at least, this will not change.
Small formalities, like seeing friends and family for the first time and being ignored as everyone is so infatuated by the new baby, is commonplace.
It’s all part and parcel of relinquishing primary care to your new baby and as much as it may be a surprise it will form the “New Normal” in your relationship.
2. Roll Your Sleeves Up! (Be prepared to get dirty)
It’s very common for some dads to go missing when new baby chores come knocking. Sometimes it’s down to genuine fear of getting things wrong. Other times its just an avoidance mechanism and an understanding that if you keep ducking responsibility eventually your wife / partner will do it.
Contrary to popular belief these baby responsibilities are not just extra duties as a new parent but are bonding and learning times for you with your new baby.
For example, if your main duty is to change babies diaper and you are hesitant as it’s a hard job to do then think of it as a bonding experience instead. When it’s time to change baby try and sing, dance, pull funny faces and interact as much as possible. Diaper changing is a duty that doesn’t require mum’s direct involvement which means you can use it as a reason to help out as much as possible.
It’s these small mindset shifts that help manage expectations early on and set the foundation for a solid and reliable bond between you and baby whilst simultaneously giving mum small breaks to do other more important tasks.
3. Empathy Always Wins!
Having a baby puts a lot of strain on even the most upbeat and healthy relationship. As your dynamic changes there are small stress points that may need to be ironed out. If these go unchecked they can put your relationship under immense pressure that will eventually burst.
Any example of this is intimacy. Most husbands / partners will be very used to being intimate with their partner even during the pregnancy. Of course this is completely fine, but once the baby finally arrives things can change very fast.
Every relationship is different but some new mums will just not be in the “mood” for weeks and months after baby comes. This can disorientate any man and leave him thinking that something is fundamentally wrong with him or the sexual chemistry is no longer there.
While there are no fixed and definitive rules here, one thing is for sure, you will need to wait until you get the all clear and this will probably be longer then you will first anticipate.. This cooling off period is necessary and you will need to be patient and show empathy about the way she is feeling. When she is ready you’ll be the first to know!
4. Don’t Stop Trying
A new dad’s duties can be wide ranging. From travel duties to bedtime duties and feeding to play time it’s a rollercoaster of ups and downs. The most important part is that you don’t stop trying to get involved.
Very young babies will usually need their mothers full time attention and support. It’s crucial at the early stages that mother and baby reunite their bond and work together to iron out any issues. Breastfeeding is the perfect example here and new mums will need as much time as necessary to get it right.
Whilst you can’t get involved in all the important things you can try to be apart if all other significant duties. For example, changing and preparing baby clothes, getting cot and crib ready, sterilising bottles, helping with feeding time, burping duties, singing and playtime duties etc The list can go on.
Remember, if you are both new parents then it will be a learning curve for you both. Maybe your “burping technique” is more robust then your partners so you both end up using it instead. Whatever the reason getting more involved and trying new strategies to take care of a new baby, bond with him/her and alleviate pressure away from your partner will always have a positive effect.
5. It’s ok to say NO!
This journey is a learning one and if you're new to it then most of the time it will be an experimental one. Learning how to hold, change, burp and put baby to sleep is not simple.
This is made more complicated by having a baby that is more temperamental or is going through a specific developmental milestone (like teething)
While your main responsibility is to assist and get involved as much as possible sometimes it’s ok to say no. There are some activities that you will need to practice more and if you get it wrong you may cause serious harm to your baby.
A good example is baby hygiene tasks like clipping finger and toe nails. If you don't have very nimble hands or you just aren’t good at holding a small tool in your fingers then it may be best to delegate that responsibility to someone else. There is no shame in saying no, but just be prepared to give an honest and realistic reason why.
Being a dad is sometimes about trial and error but there are times when you can’t afford to take the risk until you’ve acquired the skills or your baby is bit older.
6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (from other dads)
Many dad’s feel too proud or overwhelmed by the entire experience and fall into the trap of either
Thinking they know it all so not seeking additional advice, or
not knowing enough and being too proud to ask for help.
Either way not asking for help when you need will cause fundamental problems.
It’s very likely that someone you know has already gone through what you’ve gone through and has the world of experience and knowledge just waiting to be shared.
Be proactive enough to seek out practical advice from family or friends that have recently had children or mavericks in the community that they know better.
You’d be surprised by the depth of advice you’ll get from someone who’s been in your position before and knows all the struggles and pain points you are experiencing coupled with the techniques that can help.
7. Your Social Life Can Wait!
A practical step that all new dads can do is spend more time at home with family and less time outside socialising. We all have times when we need a break to replenish and refresh but when a new baby comes along the best thing to do is to be around more often.
Although you may not be able to help out as much in the beginning your role will become more hands on as time passes.
Too often i hear stories of dad’s shrugging of responsibilities and deciding to catch up with old friends when the most important thing in their life is crying out for their attention! (literally)
If you choose to get more involved in the day to day running of your household you’ll find the transition to finding your “new normal” much easier. Hiding away from your responsibilities will only make things worse as you’ve gotta put the ground work in to see the rewards.
8. A New Baby Doesn’t Mean The Old You Has Gone
It’s a common theme, when a new baby arrives, that BIG change is on the horizon, but that shouldn’t mean that all of the old you is gone.
Find time to reminisce about the things that you find irreplaceable about your partner and keep your mind focused on the positives of your new found responsibility.
Try to find time to remind her that although things have changed substantially you still value her as a partner and as a mother to your new baby.
If she has a favourite meal then cook it, a favourite film then watch it, a favourite set of flowers then buy them etc. Remember, It doesn’t have to be expensive. It's about rekindling the connection that got you to this point in the first place and reminding her that you’ll be with her no matter what.
It’s these small things that make the big difference and will guide you into a more powerful family role.
AUTHOR BIO
Mo Mulla is a work from home dad who enjoys reading and listening to music. He loves being a dad and husband to a growing family.
He loves writing about his passions and hopes to change the world, 1 blog post at a time! You can find his parenting blog Parental Questions.