5 Mistakes Dads Make That Destroy Self-Esteem and Confidence (and How to Avoid Them)
By Jim McKenzie
Hey there, Jim here! I’ve been coaching for 30-plus years and raising seven kids, and in all that time, I’ve seen the same issues crop up over and over again…
All related to stress
As fathers, we face a ton of pressure to be strong, capable, and perfect. And honestly, there are moments when we just get it wrong. But let me tell you, it’s not the end of the world, and more importantly, it doesn’t have to define us. In today’s post, I’m diving into five mistakes I see dads make when it comes to self-esteem and confidence. These are things I’ve been through myself and have learned to navigate, and if you’ve struggled in these areas, you’re not alone.
Let’s get into these mistakes and how to avoid them.
Mistake 1: Not Getting to Know Yourself
Let’s start with the basics. You’ve got to know yourself before you can truly lead and be present for your family. But so many dads skip this step. We’re often running on autopilot, trying to keep up with the demands of work, home life, and everything in between. We get stuck in the day-to-day grind, and before we know it, we’re not taking the time to check in with ourselves. This is the first mistake that really destroys your self-esteem.
I talk about this a lot – it’s called auditing. Think of it like doing your taxes. You’ve got to take an honest look at the income and expenditures in your life. The income being your wins – those moments that give you confidence, the small victories you might overlook. And the expenditures being the struggles, the tough days at work, the challenges at home. What you’ll quickly realize is that this audit will show you where you’ve been successful, where you’ve grown, and where you still have room to improve. Without it, you’re left guessing about your own strengths and weaknesses, and that leads to a lack of confidence.
But there’s more to this. We all have triggers – things from our past that influence how we react in the present. For me, growing up in an aggressive household, loud noises and shouting were huge triggers. I still get triggered when my kids raise their voices or slam doors. But the difference now is I’m more self-aware. Instead of reacting without thinking, I’ve learned to stop and ask myself, "Why am I reacting this way?" This awareness has given me confidence to talk about it openly with my kids. That’s what auditing your mindset can do for you – it gives you the confidence to deal with the things that affect you.
Mistake 2: Not Being Open to Change
This is another big one. As men, we’re conditioned to think our way is the only way. It’s the "my way or the highway" mentality. And let me tell you, that’s a killer for self-esteem. Change is scary. But here’s the thing – if you want to grow, you have to be open to change. It’s not about admitting defeat, it’s about taking the opportunity to grow. And if you’re not open to learning, your life will stay the same, and that’s not a good place to be.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. A few years ago, I lost everything. My business went under, and I went from having millions in the bank to struggling to make ends meet. For months, I was stuck. I was focused solely on what I’d lost, and that consumed me. But eventually, I realized that focusing on change, looking for the opportunities that lay in it, was the key to getting my confidence back. Change isn’t failure – it’s an opportunity to move forward.
If you’re stuck in your ways, try shifting your mindset. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation? What can I change to make things better?” I promise you, that shift will help you grow and become a better dad, partner, and person.
Mistake 3: Avoiding Taking Action
It’s easy to put our heads in the sand when things get tough. Whether it’s a difficult conversation with your partner or avoiding the chores you know need to be done, it’s tempting to just ignore the problem and hope it goes away. But here’s the truth – avoiding action only makes things worse in the long run.
I’m guilty of this too. Sometimes I’d avoid doing something I knew needed to be done because it seemed like too much to handle. But what I’ve learned is that the longer you wait, the bigger the problem becomes. Small actions can make a huge difference, even if it’s just something as simple as cleaning the sink or taking the trash out without being asked. These little tasks show your family that you’re actively engaged, and they’ll appreciate your effort. And here’s the kicker – you’ll start to feel better about yourself, too. That’s how you build self-esteem by taking small, positive actions, even when they feel like a drag.
So, take a look at your life right now and think about what you’ve been avoiding. Is it a difficult conversation with your partner?
Whatever it is, start small. Tackle one thing, and you’ll start feeling more confident as you see the results of your action.
Mistake 4: Hiding in Shame
We’ve all made mistakes – that’s part of being human. But men, in particular, often struggle with shame. It’s easy to let shame define us, to let it keep us from moving forward. Maybe you made a bad decision or failed at something, and now you’re carrying around that weight. I’ve been there too. Back in 2008, I lost everything. I went from millions in my bank account to barely scraping by. And for months, I was ashamed. I felt like I had become someone I didn’t want to be.
But here’s the key – you can’t let shame control your life. The sun rises every day, and as long as you’re still here, you have the opportunity to face the challenges that come your way. The way to get past shame is to face it head-on. Ask yourself, “What have I learned from this? What can I do to move forward?” It’s not about ignoring the mistakes, it’s about owning them and using them as stepping stones for growth.
The next time you’re feeling ashamed, ask yourself, “What’s the lesson here?” And then, take action. The more you confront your mistakes and grow from them, the more confident you’ll become.
Mistake 5: Not Wanting to Learn New Habits
This is where a lot of dads get stuck. We think that we’ve got it all figured out. We’ve been doing things a certain way for years, and we don’t want to change. But if you want to improve your life – as a dad, a partner, and a man – you’ve got to be willing to learn new habits.
One of my favorite proverbs is, “When the student is ready, the master appears.” That means that when you’re open to learning, the right resources and people will come into your life to help you grow. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know everything. In fact, that’s where the real growth happens – when you admit that you have more to learn.
So, take a moment to reflect on your habits. What could you be doing differently? What could you start doing to improve your confidence and self-esteem? Maybe it’s learning better communication skills, or setting stronger boundaries. Whatever it is, be open to the idea that there’s always something new to learn. And when you embrace that, you’ll be surprised at how much better you feel about yourself.
Conclusion
So there you have it – five mistakes that dads make that destroy self-esteem and confidence, and how to avoid them. The key to building confidence as a dad is to start with yourself. Get to know who you are, be open to change, take action, let go of shame, and always be willing to learn. These aren’t just tips for improving your self-esteem – they’re life-changing principles that will help you be the kind of dad, partner, and man you aspire to be.
If you want to dive deeper into these principles and learn how to apply them to your relationships and family lives family life, be sure to subscribe to my You Tube Channel. We’ll talk about boundaries, communication, and mindset – all the tools you need to build your confidence as a husband and father, as well as in your career.
Thanks for reading, and remember, confidence starts with you. Keep going, and I’ll be here to support you every step of the way.